


Here Kitty Kitty

by rougewinter



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Fluff, James needs some help, M/M, Pre-Slash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 20:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4891078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rougewinter/pseuds/rougewinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“You’re so well-behaved and proper…” The cat raised its head from its crossed front paws, exposing the tie outline on its chest, and looked at James as if waiting for him to connect the dots. “And so well dressed… </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Alistair?” James squeaked; the black cat mewled in reply.  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Oh my god.”</i>
</p><p>or the one where James finds a cat in his kitchen and thinks the worst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here Kitty Kitty

**Author's Note:**

> This is for all you Percilot shippers out there. I don't even know how I fell for this ship but hot damn I fell hard. 
> 
> Much love goes to [Alphera](http://alphera.livejournal.com/) for the read over.
> 
> There may be some errors I missed so if you see some, let me know!

James stared at the black cat sitting on his kitchen counter, blinking a few times as he tried to remember if he even owned a cat or not. 

He had just woken up and stumbled downstairs in his pyjamas for some much needed caffeine when he spotted the furry animal by his coffee machine. He rubbed his eyes and blinked away the spots, hoping that it was the sleep deprivation that was making him see things, but the black cat with a white patch shaped like a tie on its chest was still there.

He approached the animal cautiously, his fuzzy slippers padding softly on the marble floor as he walked around the island in his kitchen. The tip of the cat’s black tail swayed slowly against the granite counter top as its amber eyes intently followed his movement. When James got closer, the cat suddenly moved to a crouch as if ready to pounce on him.

James jumped and raised both his hands in a placating gesture, reminding himself that he was a spy who’d gone on multiple missions and had single-handedly taken down international terrorists for queen and country. He could handle a cat, for fuck’s sake. 

Looking around the kitchen for something he could use to shoo the animal away, he reached for a spatula and held it in front of him, waving it around like a weapon to scare the cat away. The cat however, seemingly unimpressed by James’ attempts to get it to move, batted the wooden utensil away and hissed angrily at him. 

James would blame the sleep deprivation, but he swore the cat narrowed its eyes at him as if it was daring him to make another move. 

“God.” James whined as he leaned against the fridge. “Why am I being punished?!” 

The cat only meowed in response. 

James scowled at his furry intruder before he reached into the cupboard and pulled out a tin of tuna. He had been saving it for the pasta salad he was going to make for the Kingsman potluck get together later that night, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He’d just have to find another way to annoy Merlin, the mayo-hating bastard.

He watched the cat perk up at the sight and smell of the fish when he opened the can and scooped the contents out into a bowl. He placed the dish in the middle of the island, then went around, making sure to keep a fair distance between him and the feline. 

The cat gracefully jumped onto the island and confidently made its way to the bowl, tail swishing happily in the air as it enjoyed the offering. 

James sighed in relief when he started his coffee maker, breathing in the delicious and calming aroma of roasted coffee beans as he poured the precious drink into his mug. He leaned against the counter, watching the cat munch happily on the tuna flakes while he brought the mug up to his lips, looking forward to enjoying his first cup of the day. The cat meowed at him just as James was about to take a sip. He snapped to attention, putting his drink down before placing another bowl, this time filled with water, in front of the cat. 

His furry companion lapped that up and brushed up against his hand, as if in thanks. 

“You’re not so bad yourself, kitten.” James said with a small smile, running his fingers lightly behind the cat’s ears. The cat purred in response, rubbing itself against James’ forearm before curling into itself, settling in for a nap.

“You’re so cute and prickly. You kind of remind me of Alistair.” James said with a lopsided grin as he thought about his friend. 

The cat cracked open an eyelid at the mention of Percival’s name and James paused when he realised that he hadn’t heard from Alistair since the other agent left a week ago for a mission in Salem, Massachusetts. 

“You’re so well-behaved and proper…” The cat raised its head from its crossed front paws, exposing the tie outline on its chest, and looked at James as if waiting for him to connect the dots. “And so well dressed…

“Alistair?” James squeaked; the black cat mewled in reply. 

“Oh my god.” 

\-- 

“MERLIN!” 

The shout startled the two friends enjoying their mid-morning tea by the monitors in Merlin’s work space, and they looked up just as the heavy doors slammed open to reveal a panicked Lancelot. 

Harry set his teacup back on its saucer and pushed it behind him, away from the edge of the desk. One look at James told him that whatever the other agent was worried about, his tea was better off safely tucked away. 

“Merlin!” James panted, skidding to a halt in front of Harry and Merlin, “Oh, hi Harry.” Harry tipped his head in greeting. 

“What is it, James? If this is about your contribution to tonight’s potluck, no I’m not letting you do a last minute switch with Bors just because you disapprove of his taste in wine.” Merlin said as he crossed his arms and stared down the younger agent; a considerable feat given that he was sprawled in his office chair while Lancelot was standing. 

“What? No, forget about the damn party for a minute, it’s Percival!” 

Merlin and Harry exchanged looks before they both sat up a little straighter. “What about him?” Merlin asked, switching quickly to mission-mode. 

“He…he’s turned into a cat!” James brought out a black cat from under his suit jacket and held it out in front of the two agents. “He appeared in my kitchen this morning and was all hissy until I gave him tuna and I remembered that he went to Salem last week for a mission and I haven’t heard from him and now look at him!” 

The cat wriggled in James’ hands.

Harry looked from the cat to Lancelot, and was about to say something when Merlin beat him to it. 

“Yes, James, you’re absolutely right. That’s the only possible explanation why a cat would be in your kitchen.” 

Harry turned to look at Merlin with a bemused expression, wondering if James was able to pick up on Merlin’s deadpan sarcasm. 

“Well, we have to do something! We can’t just let him stay cursed as a cat forever.” James brought the cat up to his chest and hugged it, nuzzling the furry head with a sad look on his face. 

“Well,” Merlin said with an exaggerated sigh, “I have heard that there is a way to reverse it. It’s a bit complicated, but if you’re willing to do it, Agent Percival will be right as rain.” 

“What do I have to do?” James asked with a determined look as Merlin smiled and told him in detail what had to be done. 

“And Percy will turn human again?” Lancelot asked once he’d taken note of the counter-spell. 

“Absolutely. I am called Merlin for a reason, after all.” 

“Thanks, Merlin! You’re the greatest!” James exclaimed and ran out, cat cradled in his arms. 

“Was that really necessary?” Harry asked, teacup back in his hands as he took a sip. “James looked quite distressed.”

“Oh leave me be, Galahad.” Merlin said, turning back to watch some of the other agents training in the gym. “I’m bored and this will keep Lancelot from making his dreadfully over-mayonnaise’d pasta salad for tonight’s party, and I believe I speak for all of us when I say we’re better off without it.” 

“Yes, but having him dress up as the commander from that pirate movie while singing the entire song list of Mary Poppins and doing the waltz around the gym with the cat? That’s just cruel.” 

“No, Harry, that’s blackmail. And if Lancelot had taken the time to check the cat’s gender and realise it was female, or not believed that Percival was _turned into a bloody cat_ in the first place, he would have saved himself a lot of grief. Instead, we get to enjoy watching him make an ass of himself. Now hush, I think the show’s about to start.” 

On the top right screen, Harry noticed that James had burst into the gymnasium in full costume, complete with the white wig, catching Tristan, Gawain and Caradoc off guard. Lancelot then proceeded to sing ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’ while twirling the cat around and causing all the agents in the room to double over in laughter. 

Harry sighed and took another sip of his tea. 

\-- 

“I don’t understand.” Lancelot said sadly to the cat in his hands. “I did everything Merlin said, so why haven’t you turned back yet?” Around him, the Kingsman party was well underway, but he was seated in a dark corner of the garden, clutching the feline close. “Maybe I did it wrong?” 

“Hey James! Great musical number! Do we get an encore?” A couple of the other knights laughed.

“Fuck off, Gawain!” James shouted at the other agent, feeling hot tears prickle his eyes at the realisation that he had failed his friend. 

“I, I meant it all, you know?” He whispered, fighting back his sobs as he stared down at the cat. “When I flirted and teased, I meant it. I wanted us to be more than friends but you didn’t seem interested. You just rolled your eyes and brushed me off so I took the hint. It’s still better to be just a friend than not, so I didn’t push. But now that you’re a cat, I can’t tell you this directly like I should have. I really do have feelings for you, darling. And I swear on my life that you’ll still get to live your posh, comfortable life under my care.” 

The cat mewled and licked a tear drop from James’ face before he hugged it tightly to his chest. 

“James?” 

Lancelot jerked back when he heard his name called in Alistair’s familiar voice. He looked down at the cat in his arms, but it only blinked its pretty eyes up at him. 

“James, when did you get a cat and why are you declaring your love to it?” Lancelot turned around to the source of the voice and saw Alistair, sweet, gorgeous Alistair, standing with a drink in hand and staring down at him with a worried expression. “Do I need to call the psychiatrist?”

“Alistair!” James jumped up, throwing his arms around the other agent, almost knocking the drink out of Percival’s hand in his haste to envelop the other agent in a bone crushing hug. “Oh thank god you’re alright!” 

Alistair blinked and looked at his fellow agent before turning to look at the cat that was nibbling away at James’ salmon quinoa dinner on the table. 

“Um, yes. I went to visit my family over the weekend, have you forgotten?” 

“So you weren’t turned into a cat in Salem?” 

Alistair raised an eyebrow at James. 

“Well,” James said with a nervous chuckle, “Now that I’ve said it out loud, it does sound silly to have thought that was the case.

“To be fair to myself,” He continued as he turned to pick up the cat, which in turn made a disapproving sound at being taken away from its dinner, “I haven’t had any coffee this morning because of this little fellow. I can’t be held liable for not thinking straight.” 

“Did you mean it?” Alistair asked in a whisper, “What you said to the cat?” 

“What? To the cat?! That’s just silly!” James tried to sound nonchalant, but even to his own ears his voice was too squeaky and betrayed the lie. “Let’s get back to the party.” James said, changing the subject before Alistair pressed him. He may be a trained spy who could withstand any sort of torture and beat a lie detector test, but Alistair had always had a way of getting him to tell the truth with a single look.

Had James not been focused on Alistair then, he would have missed the brief flash of hurt that passed quickly over Alistair’s face. 

Alistair hummed softly and took a long sip of his drink before nodding and turning away to head back to the bar. 

“Wait, Alistair,” James called out, hand reaching out to grasp Percival’s gently. He tugged Alistair back so they were facing each other once more. He waited until Alistair was looking at him before he spoke again.

“Alright, yes, I meant it all. I’m crazy about you. The way you pretend that nothing affects you and everything I do is so juvenile, but whenever I annoy the shit out of Merlin or any of the other agents, you crack this little smile and I know deep down you’re laughing with me because you have a wicked sense of humour. 

“And don’t even get me started on how highly I think of you as an agent because let me tell you, you are so scarily good at what you do that the first time we were sent out together, I was so turned on I could have bludgeoned that arms dealer to death with my cock.” 

Alistair choked out a laugh at that confession. 

James smiled slightly and continued, “And whenever I flirt with you, sometimes you roll your eyes at me, but most of the time you get this look of disbelief on your face. At first I thought it was because you couldn’t understand why I was saying those things. Then I realised that it was because you couldn’t understand why I was saying those things to _you_.”

Alistair looked uncomfortable and tried to pull away, but Lancelot only tightened his grip.

“Let me tell you, Percy, that whenever I told you that your new tie was fetching or that you looked handsome, I meant every damn word of it. And darling, it breaks my heart that you don’t think you deserve to hear how breath-taking you are, when in fact every time you walk into the room, I have to take a few moments to collect myself and to remember how fortunate I am to be around you and to be able to call myself your friend.

“But that’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it?” Lancelot said with a sardonic smile, “You’re my friend. One of the very few I have left and that I trust with my life. I didn’t want to mess up our friendship with my feelings when it was clear you didn’t feel the same so I kept quiet about it. I would have been happy to let sleeping dogs lie, learned to live with whatever I was feeling, but then when I thought you got turned into a cat, I panicked because suddenly you weren’t you anymore. I would no longer be able to crack jokes to see if I could make you smile, or invite you over for movie nights where we complain about the improbability of the scenes and how Hollywood never understands how being a spy actually works, and then I realised how terribly lonely I would be without you in my life, Alistair.

“That was why when you asked me just now if I meant what I said to the cat, I said no. I didn’t want to imagine how it would be if you hated me for feeling that way and we’d stop being friends.

“But equally distressing to me was imagining what would happen if you said you felt the same and then I lose you on a mission. Then you’d just be gone and I… I don’t think I could ever be the same after that. If I’d even want to keep going.” James said with a deep exhale, trying to calm himself as he tried to stop imagining his life without Alistair, which given their line of work had always been highly probable. 

“And what if it were the other way around, if I failed a mission? I don’t think I’d ever be able to die at peace, knowing I’ve left you behind. Who would force a smile out of you then?” James knew his own smile was shaky at best. “You deserve better than me, Alistair. But you also deserve the truth, so I’ve bared it all and you get to decide where we go from here. Whether we remain friends or we part ways, I’ll learn to live with it.”

The cat meowed and butted its head under James’ chin as if feeling the tension between the two agents. 

“You’ve been quiet this whole time, Percy. Say something? Please?” Lancelot begged, squeezing Alistair’s hand gently to coax an answer from him. 

“You always were better with your words.” Alistair said with a nervous smile. “And dammit, James, what else can I say after that and not sound like a fool?” 

“Sweetheart, I assure you, anything you say can’t and won’t be used against you. I thought you were turned into a cat, for fuck’s sake.” Alistair huffed out a laugh and shook his head at James’ statement. 

“I like you too, you know.” Alistair said hesitantly, “Even with your corny jokes and your poor taste in firearms.” James squawked out in protest, but let Alistair continue, “We should go on a real date first, see if we’ll work as something more than friends.” 

“Darling,” James started, intent on reminding Alistair again about how their relationship could only end in pain, but Alistair interrupted him before he could.

“And I propose that from here on out, we go on missions together, just to make sure we keep each other out of trouble.” James knew Alistair was really saying it was to keep _him_ out of trouble.

“As your friend, I’m already willing to do all I can to keep you safe. If we ever became anything more, please know that I would do nothing short of burning the world down. I feel like that’s the same for you, isn’t it?”

James nodded vigorously in agreement. 

“Good. Now that that’s settled, I think we need to return to the party. Merlin said he wanted to show everyone a video of something interesting that happened in the gymnasium this afternoon. I wouldn’t want to miss that.” Judging from Alistair’s teasing smile, he knew exactly what the video contained. 

“Must we?” James whined, but he let Alistair guide him to the part of the garden where Merlin had set up the wide screen projector anyway. 

James spent the whole time hiding his face in the cat’s fur in shame. He would have spent it flipping everyone off too but Alistair had held his other hand all throughout. He couldn’t bring himself to pull away from the warm touch, which made the painful ordeal slightly more bearable. And when Alistair made a rude gesture at Kay’s particularly hurtful comment, James found himself falling a little bit more in love. 

_They also ended up keeping the cat and named her Purrcy._

-end-

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos give me life!
> 
> I'm also on [tumblr](http://rouge-winter.tumblr.com/).
> 
> UPDATE: Art commission of James and Purrcy by the very lovely [Raythrill](http://raythrill.tumblr.com/) can be found [here](http://raythrill.tumblr.com/post/130422670745/commission-for-rouge-winter-james-and-his-cute). Go check it out and send him your love! It's so presh!


End file.
